i miss writing. i miss the calm which comes from sorting thru jumbled emotions and finding order. The blog was very important to me during a time of huge transition and adjustment to a new life, in a new place, in a new role.
That role has not developed as i had hoped it would and i've had tremendous frustration with accepting life as it is, not as i'd fantasized it might be. There is a great sweetness to the way things are but also a bittersweet sense of loss for how they might have been.
MJ and i are together, but we live in much more of a partnership than i had ever conceived our life would be. i find myself adjusting to things as they are due to respect, love and devotion. My basic nature remains unchanged. i am discovering what i had so long held to be needs are truly not, no matter how strongly held.
i learn you can't assume someone will be able to change their patterns no matter how much they love you and want you to be happy. i still serve and feel very "off" when i deny myself the comfort of my service routines. MJ will not demand them, so by not doing them, it brings it much more to the forefront of my life that i do them by choice, not because they are expected or certainly not demanded of me. That sense makes me feel they are not important enough to him to require them of me. So i, for the most part, choose not to go down that path and do what i have always done as it is as much (actually it would seem "more") for me than for him.
This realization has been very difficult to accept and i find myself consciously choosing not to do "what i do" to see if it is noticed...and unfortunately, usually no notice is given and we go on that way until i become so uncomfortable i return to my duties with no discussion.
So, i guess one could say he remains in control of the situation by being so completely in control of himself and his emotions. i do think we both loose some intimacy from this as i know i do not feel as connected, as i feel he is withholding something i find vitally important to me.
It does come down to the age old question Dear Abbey counseled lonely lovers and desperate housewives with for eons: "Is life better with him than it would be without him?"
i can answer that question with all honesty and say my life would be infinitely worse without him...even on his most disconnected day, MJ is still the center of my world and my reason for being and doing. i can spend untold time navel gazing and psycho-analyzing and question if i am merely co-dependent, and not truly a slave.
The answer is always the same. THIS is my TRUE NATURE. i am what i am. i NEED to serve. i would like to serve as a commanded, controlled slave, but if that is not possible, i choose to serve the man i love.
